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Motivational Paralysis
by Anna Caveney
click for printer-ready
article
Editor's Note: These are the handouts to Anna's excellent presentation on
Motivational Paralysis as a cause of underachievement. If you have a
chance, see Anna's presentation. Meanwhile, these handouts give an
excellent summary of her presentation, and great insight into a common cause
of underachievement.

Underachievement
perceived to be performing below expectations
 | lack of capacity |
 | inadequate resources |
 | lack of interest |
 | technical difficulties |
 | poor motivational health - an acquired form of self-sabotage that
mystifies observers and humiliates suffers...
Motivational Paralysis |

Think of doing the task, and flinch at the thought of...
-----------------------------------------------
the weight of anticipated failure
the knowledge that if you do complete this task, it will just
be replaced by another
if you accept the task, it is tacit acceptance of an
inappropriate / inadequate system
surrender equals death of self -- you can hold my body, but I
won't surrender my mind / soul
why is it so hard for me, and so easy for others? what is
wrong with me?
if I do well, it's expected, and used only to humiliate my
classmates
if I don't do well, they will revoke my smart person
membership card
if this is all there is to life, why bother?
-----------------------------------------------
Every time you think of the task...

Common Manifestations of Motivational Paralysis
Unhealthy Perfectionism -- self-esteem is based on attaining
an unreasonable, even impossible standard
Lack of Perspective -- poorly calibrated work evaluation skills.
What is a challenging task? How long will it take to complete a
particular task? How do you break an overwhelming task into
reasonably-sized pieces?
Skill Deficits -- planning skills are only developed when needed
Low Mental "Muscle Tone" -- shame, embarrassment and humiliation
when faced with challenges requiring sustained effort
Limited Basis for Identity Formation -- if you are what you do,
and you never do anything properly, then you're worthless
Risk / Challenge Avoidance -- if I never try to start doing it, I
won't have to experience failing to accomplish it
Passive Resistance -- failing to suffer silently, in the form of
poorly suppressed anger that "leaks" out in unfortunate ways
Isolation -- a result of fear that you have to protect loved ones
from stress, and fear that the real you isn't worthy of love



Break the Cycle of Shame
 | Make it clear that your love is unconditional, and that you don't want
to be protected from reality, and mean it |
 | Explain that hundreds of thousands have the same problem |
 | Explain that these undesirable habits are acquired, not innate.
They aren't genetically doomed |
 | Stop the agony. If possible, create a sizeable period [several
months to a year] of no deadlines, during which you and they work to
understand how and why your patterns didn't work |
 | Understand that feeling bad all the time isn't useful. Guilt,
shame and avoidance are hobbies, not paths to improvement |
 | If you can't abstain from deadlines entirely, limit the amount of time
they are supposed to be working towards them |
 | Read
Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, together. Talk seriously about
the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, and how they
interact |
 | Don't ask about the task -- ask about the goal |
 | Don't confuse schooling with education. Add value to school tasks,
and pursue challenging experiences outside of school |
 | Don't ask how well they did on a test -- ask if they learned
anything from it |
 | Don't act as an external motivator -- every time you do, you undermine
their development of self-management skills. Don't become "Guido the
Enforcer" |
 | Don't make them face it alone. Role model by working to understand
your own motivational assumptions and skills |

Top 10 Skills to Learn and Practice
-
This is not a phase: it could conceivably last the rest of
your lives. On the flip side, any improvements you make now, you get to
enjoy for the rest of your lives.
-
Separate and clearly identify goal and method for task
-
Balance ideals versus reality
-
Don't request lies, or endorse them
-
Distinguish between long-term and short-term goals
-
Separate intrinsic and extrinsic worth. Honestly and
openly discuss the worth and relevance of each task
-
Balance individual needs against communal needs
-
Experience facing challenging activities
-
Develop accurate evaluations of tasks
-
Tough love isn't the answer! Helpful, thoughtful love
is...
Keep your eyes on the long term goal. Don't become
obsessed with methods of short term goals (meaningless in the long term).
Role model, role model, role model!

Plan for the process to take 1-3 years, depending on the
degree of paralysis
This is something that will cost less than $60, doesn't
require the cooperation of the school, and will help your child be able to
make the most of the opportunities they get, repair damage and build skills.

Self-Image / Self-Respect
treat with compassion
speak to with self-respect
stop using carrot & stick
love self without condition
learn to giggle at silly bad habits -- especially the embarrassing ones
distinguishing between looking like an idiot and being one
don't place your identity on something that can be taken away |
Parents as Resources
unconditional love
understanding acceptance
role model
mirror
learn vocabulary, then share
explore range of variation
identify and trace effects of behaviorism
read:
For Your Own Good by Alice Miller,
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary S. Kurcinka |
Emotional Literacy
value full spectrum
emotional ABC's
emotional recognition
feelings are important information
it is OK to be sad / angry
emotion doesn't excuse poor behavior
parents would rather know the upsetting things and be able to help
worry is a hobby; don't confuse it with a useful act |
Practical Function
separate goal from method
identify motivation
task subdivision
planning
communication
estimation and prediction
method individualization
distinguish between long-, medium- and short-term goals
don't expect to wake up as another person; work toward being the best that
you can be |

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